Your First Day of Work – A Timeline

It’s that time of year again, when a new class of graduates enters the real world and 8% start new jobs.  The rest of you will join them in about 15 months.  Until then, here’s a preview of the emotional roller coaster you’ll ride on your first day.

 

8:29 AM – Alright let’s do this!!  Four years of college, all leading to this moment.  School sucked but it all pays off today!

 

8:30 AM – *throwing up in bathroom*

 

9:05 AM – How can this HR person use the word “family” with a straight face?  Last I checked my parents don’t make me scan a plastic badge every time I come home.  Anymore.

 

9:34 AM – Hey she looks pretty go-nevermind, ring.

 

9:51 AM – Oh so THAT’S what I was hired for!  I didn’t wanna ask but man was it killing me!

 

10:12 AM – The paperwork wouldn’t feel so sinister if they didn’t refer to themselves as The Company.

 

10:46 AM – I just got Dilbert.  Is this why Dad’s always so mad?

 

11:23 AM – Hey she looks pretty ok-nevermind, ring.

 

12:06 PM – How come everyone who speaks to us has been here exactly fifteen years?  What happens after that?  Is this complimentary bottled water the liquefied remains of a 37 year old?

 

1:17 PM – School wasn’t that bad, was it?  I mean I easily could’ve done really well if I’d just gone to class and read the assignments and studied for tests and shown up for tests and slept with my teachers and not slept with that one teacher.  Besides, in an age of heartless technology and cold cynicism the world needs more passionate and educated people with their masters in Post-Restoration English Litera-oh right, health insurance.

 

2:34 PM – Hey she ring.

 

4: 47 PM – Don’t look at your watch don’t look at your watch don’t look at your watch don’t look at youSHIT how has it not been 30 years yet?!?!