My Resume

I’m offering up my resume for those following me into the workforce. 

 

Tyler Merrels 

185 Not My Childhood Home
Any City, Any Country
555.555.5555
My dad made me leave off my
Twitter
created.yesterday@gmail.com

SUMMARY 
I have a degree in something I’d rather not disclose and buzzword buzzword
dynamic half­truth.

EDUCATION 
College State University
B.A. in *redacted*, Fall Something­-May 2014   Major GPA: 3.42 Overall: Really? I
mean, didn’t you see how good my major GPA is does it really mattOK 2.59
● Business minor I was required to get
● Strong background in science due to spending three and a half years
as a Pre­Med major before failing so many classes I was basically
forced to switch out

RELEVANT COURSEWORK
● Wrote a total of six major research papers in a total of six nights (each 12­-20
pages of other people’s opinions)
● At least one major project/presentation a semester to which I
contributed my name alone (PowerPoint or oral)

EXPERIENCE
Liability Claims Adjuster, INSURICO
● Can get yelled at with minimal tearing up
● Balance no less than 5 coffees in each hand
● Expert in ass­covering when busted
● Can read off long claim numbers without sacrificing clarity
● Leaving very professional voicemails
● Feigning interest in coworker’s stories
● Cussing under breath so no one hears
● Talking condescendingly to customers
● Acting “above this”
● Can pee next to senior management and be totally cool about it
● Can think creatively and independently while using a word track
● Expert multi­tasker (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, sexting)
● Resisting the urge to scream/cry
● Dialing phone numbers super fast

Student Employee, University Library
● Worked hungover
● Took naps in the group study rooms without being caught once
● Stretched ten minute tasks to two hours
● Worked drunk
● Hold the record for “Longest Tenure” of any student worker

Advertisements

Your First Day of Work – A Timeline

It’s that time of year again, when a new class of graduates enters the real world and 8% start new jobs.  The rest of you will join them in about 15 months.  Until then, here’s a preview of the emotional roller coaster you’ll ride on your first day.

 

8:29 AM – Alright let’s do this!!  Four years of college, all leading to this moment.  School sucked but it all pays off today!

 

8:30 AM – *throwing up in bathroom*

 

9:05 AM – How can this HR person use the word “family” with a straight face?  Last I checked my parents don’t make me scan a plastic badge every time I come home.  Anymore.

 

9:34 AM – Hey she looks pretty go-nevermind, ring.

 

9:51 AM – Oh so THAT’S what I was hired for!  I didn’t wanna ask but man was it killing me!

 

10:12 AM – The paperwork wouldn’t feel so sinister if they didn’t refer to themselves as The Company.

 

10:46 AM – I just got Dilbert.  Is this why Dad’s always so mad?

 

11:23 AM – Hey she looks pretty ok-nevermind, ring.

 

12:06 PM – How come everyone who speaks to us has been here exactly fifteen years?  What happens after that?  Is this complimentary bottled water the liquefied remains of a 37 year old?

 

1:17 PM – School wasn’t that bad, was it?  I mean I easily could’ve done really well if I’d just gone to class and read the assignments and studied for tests and shown up for tests and slept with my teachers and not slept with that one teacher.  Besides, in an age of heartless technology and cold cynicism the world needs more passionate and educated people with their masters in Post-Restoration English Litera-oh right, health insurance.

 

2:34 PM – Hey she ring.

 

4: 47 PM – Don’t look at your watch don’t look at your watch don’t look at your watch don’t look at youSHIT how has it not been 30 years yet?!?!