1) The Language Barrier
Trying to talk with older co-workers sometimes feels like trying to communicate with the help. I mean srsly, how hard is it to understand that words are cooler without vowels? Tumblr, Grindr, and Flickr didn’t make a million dollars by using all the letters, so why should I? Tim is mony and I got this job to mak bank, not old-prson proof my mails!
2) Headsets Don’t Suit Us
Look, wearing a headset is fine if you’re bald or have a crew cut or whatever. There’s nothing to mess up and you obviously don’t care about your looks anyway, but I do. I don’t spend $45 on styling wax and 20 minutes blow-drying my hair to lose all that lift under a headset. Why do we need headsets anyway? Haven’t these companies heard of iPhones? I can just as easily sell cable package upgrades on speakerphone.
3) We’re Better Than This
A cube in corporate America is fine if you have no dreams or talent and just want to go home and watch Fox News with your opposite sex spouse and 2.5 kids, but we’re the generation with ambition. It’s hard to work with so many people who don’t even realize they’re dead inside. I honestly feel sorry for people I work with, scurrying around like ants without so much as a Twitter to express themselves. They jump through hoops for raises and promotions, but have they ever done anything truly important like write a screenplay like I’m planning on doing? It can be a suffocating environment, especially when you get reprimanded just for brainstorming an idea instead of placing calls. What brings people more joy in the long run-bundling internet and cable or “The 5 Game of Thrones Characters You Didn’t Realize You Went To High School With”?
4) Horrible Phone Reception
A billion dollar company can give everyone health insurance but can’t put in wifi? I wouldn’t really care except I swear the walls are filled with 4G blocker, like asbestos or something. There’s no point to tweeting about my lunch if it doesn’t go through until 4 o’clock. The poor signal even affects how many people can read my posts. Hilarious observations get two ‘likes’, max. It’s as if the crappy reception makes sure no one can comment on my stuff before 5 PM.
5) Cubicles Don’t Make Any Sense
All the old people have pictures decorating their cubicles, but all of my pictures are online. They say it’s important to make your space your own, but what can I do, have my Instagram on a constant loop? Also, they don’t have enough shelves. I was able to fit maybe a third of my participation trophy collection before running out of space. I have no idea what I’m going to do once work starts giving me trophies for showing up on time and not getting fired. Or do they give personal pan pizzas like elementary school? If not, they should.