Within the heart of every man there is a constant battle raging. Many would have you believe the sides are Good and Evil, Light and Dark, Angel and Demon. Those people are boring. The real battle is between the clean-shaven Dandy and the burly Lumberjack. As soon as a boy gets his first crop of “yes-it’s-there-you-just-have-to-get-close-and-turn-the-light-on-oh-my-gosh-mom-you-don’t-understand!” on his chin, his personality is split into two halves that, unless he fully indulges one, will clash his whole life. He’ll buy quality razors and brushes and creams that he wouldn’t be caught dead with otherwise, only to hear the siren call of facial follicles, leaving his equipment unused on his counter for months on end. I’ve decided to chart out this natural cycle for educational purposes, with the hope that future generations of boys will achieve the inner peace that has alluded me. My dream is that it will become a poster in middle school Health classrooms everywhere, nestled in-between images of a couple catching an STD by holding hands and a boy selling his baby brother for pot money.
Crossing the Threshold
A month later
3 to 6 months later
A funny thing happens when you’ve been smooth-cheeked for an extended period of time- the follicle cells release a hormone that, much like certain post-pregnancy hormones in women, makes the man forget all the bad parts of his beard and magnifies the good.